GROUP DATING CULTURE IN JAPAN: QUICK INTRO TO GOKON DATING PARTIES
Going to my first Gokon, I had no idea what to expect. One day, a Japanese mate called me up telling me to save a night to go out drinking with a bunch of cute girls. He insisted that it was an easier way to get to know Japanese girls when compared to going to a club or bar. He told me that it was going to be him, me, and another buddy with three other girls. The group of girls consisting of one acquaintance he worked with, and two other girls tagging along that he didn't know. I immediately figured that this get-together that I had been invited to was going to be an infamous Japanese 'Gokon Party'. For me being a rather newbie to Japan, I thought better to be ready for whatever was coming my way. So, I asked some of the Bros on the team for some advice and even did a little local research through a few Japanese mates. For other Bros new to Japan, here is a quick introduction to the world of Japanese Gokon Party Dating to help you understand the system. (Advanced Tips coming from Timmy soon!)
THE ORIGIN OF THE DATING PARTY 'GOKON'
The Gokon dating party system actually started off being called a 'Compa' (コンパ). An innocent get-together between workmates, friends, and colleagues without any particular emphasis on dating. The word 'Compa' derived from the German word 'Kompanie', and 'Company' in English. Back in the day, this word was widely used to describe all-male parties and all-female parties. It was an extremely popular slang term a generation ago and even became a coined term in the 1970s. In recent times, this 'Compa' has evolved into something completely different. As I stated above, at first, it was used to represent parties of a single sex. Whereas, nowadays, the more popular term is 'Godo Compa' (合同コンパ）or Gokon for short (合コン). 'Godo' is defined as a 'Merger' or 'Combination'. Therefore, a Gokon is a merge of Male and Female parties. To put it simply, it is a mixed party for single male and female members to mingle, chat and possibly find a partner for a long-term relationship.
HOW ARE GOKON PARTIES ORGANIZED?
Firstly let's go over how a Gokon party in Japan is organized. The majority of Gokon parties start off with a guy and girl (who are friends) who become the organizers or 'Kanji' (幹事) in Japanese. In a way, one is the group leader for the guys and the other for the girls. Their job is to decide the date, time, place and number of participants of the party. For example, a 4 guys x 4 girls setting next Saturday at the OOOO izakaya at 8pm. Once the details are decided, next comes their main and most important role. Which is to go out and contact their list of single friends and find 3 others to join the party with them. During this time the organizers will exchange information on what types of guys/girls are coming. In order to bring along the best matches for both groups. Once numbers for each of their groups are confirmed, the Gokon party is given the 'Green Light' to go. And izakaya reservations are made. (Sometimes planned participants suddenly cancel etc. But if the numbers aren't significantly uneven, Gokon parties are usually carried out.) So theoretically, only the male and female organizers know each other, while the other 3 guys and 3 girls have no idea about the other participants.
WHAT'S A TYPICAL GOKON PARTY LIKE IN JAPAN?
On the day of the Gokon party, participants may meet up beforehand and go to the place together. Or they individually go directly to the organized venue. Either way, once at the reserved table at the izakaya or restaurant, the first standard seating arrangements are usually fixed. Guys on one side and girls on the other side of the table. When all participants are seated, drinks are ordered and the obligatory toast 'Kanpai' (Cheers!) is lead by the male and female organizers. After the first Kanpai call, in most situations, next comes the routine self-introductions and get-to-know-you chit-chat. Then it becomes a game of guys filtering the possible talent, chatting them up, and laying out the fishing rod and bait. I say guys, but in some situations when you get some aggressive girls, it may be the other way round. When the atmosphere warms up a bit after a few drinks, you may also find Japanese drinking games, and even seat swapping suggested to help participants relax and get to know each other more. Gokon parties are usually around 2 hours, as restaurants and izakayas have seating time limits during busy nights. At the end of the Gokon, assuming that both parties hit it off, you may find times where a second venue for the group is organized at a bar or karaoke.
WHAT'S THE AVERAGE COST OF GOING TO A GOKON IN JAPAN?
The average cost of going to a Gokon in Japan will differ according to the venue and the occupation/age of the attendees. For example, the average cost of a Gokon at a high-class restaurant in Tokyo will definitely be different when compared to one at a local izakaya in a semi-rural area. Also, if the participants of the Gokon are mostly college students and not full-time workers you may find the budget to be cheaper. This said, for an 'average' Gokon, you can expect the budget to be around 3000 to 4000 yen per person. There are a wide variety of izakaya restaurants with all you can eat and drink courses for around this price. Not to mention even if there is no 'all you can eat', splitting dishes between the participants wouldn't be too expensive. In most cases, it is in a way expected for the guys to pay more (sometimes all) of the restaurant fees. So as a rule of thumb, if the cost per person turns out to be 4000 yen for example, then the gentlemen thing to do at the very least would be for the guys to pay 5000 yen and the girls 3000 yen. This way, the guys are doing a good deed, and the girls take a little of the responsibility too. However, there are cases where all members equally split the fee as well. If you (and the guy's team) really weren't happy with the time you spent together, then paying 50-50 of the bill isn't out of the equation. But by doing this you could be giving the girl's group a sign of your discontent.
WHAT KIND OF JAPANESE GIRLS CAN I MEET AT A GOKON?
Now, this is a very difficult question because there really isn't a concrete answer. It really depends on the organizer of the girl's group. If she is a nurse, you might find yourself in an all-nurse Gokon. If she is an outgoing type of person you might find she has a lot of outgoing friends etc. It essentially is like 'Blind Dating' so everything will come down to your luck on the night. However, generally speaking, what all girls should have in common is that they are looking for the opportunity to meet someone special. But, if I had to break down girls into certain 'Types' of girls that you would meet at a Gokon in Japan, I would break them down into the following.
THE REGULAR TYPE
The 'normal' girls that have no problems actively talking, eating and drinking with guys. They usually try to include everyone in the conversation and keep the party's atmosphere stable and bright.
THE ROWDY TYPE
The louder and more vibrant girls that like to pump up the atmosphere by initiating a lot of the conversations and suggesting drinking games. In cases, forcibly match up a guy and a girl to 'help' break the ice.
THE QUIET TYPE
Japanese girls are known for being shy right? Well, this type is the stereotypical Japanese girl. They tend to listen to the conversations around them and not provide much input. They may be quiet but they are still there looking for their next boyfriend.
THE TOUCHY FEELY TYPE
Girls that are generally more touchy-feely than others when in a close proximity. It is their way of communication but can lead to a lot of misunderstandings by the guys.
THE FAKER TYPE
Just like the above, another type that can create a lot of misunderstandings. They listen intently to a guy's conversation and has a reaction to everything he says. But in reality, she has no interest at all. This type of girl just does this to raise the 'image' of herself.
THE SERIOUS TYPE
Usually, the older ladies who are looking for a 'serious' relationship and quick. These types of girls are usually fast to lock on to a guy and keep his attention as much as possible.
THE GOLD DIGGER TYPE
Girls who are quick to filter you by asking detailed questions about your position at work, what kind of car you drive, what kind of watch you are wearing. And even what your yearly income is...
THE WEAK DRINKER TYPE
The girls who don't drink often and just drink to be a part of the group. This type usually ends up not being able to handle the alcohol. Resulting in her shutting herself in the toilet and friends having to look after her.
THE NON-DRINKER TYPE
Similar to the above, but for some reason, such as having to drive home, or work the next day, girls that don't drink a drop of alcohol. Okay if they are still proactive in conversations, but on occasion, some can be buzzkills.
THE PLACE-FILLER TYPE
Girls that you know are just a part of the group because the organizer couldn't manage to gather the required number of girls for her group. This type would have been asked to just come to make the numbers and usually not that interested in the Gokon at all.
IN CONCLUSION
For the Bros who haven't experienced a Gokon in Japan yet, did you get a better idea of how things work? Personally, after going to more than 20 Gokon parties over the past 6 months I have had a lot of fun. Meeting new people, creating new relationships and connections and finally being able to make a Japanese girlfriend. As I said above, the girls that go to a Gokon are there with a common goal. To find their next boyfriend. So with that general rule, it makes things a lot easier and even time-saving than a club or bar. And for Bros out there looking for just poon, Gokons are also famous for being the kickstarter to one-night stands if you play your cards right. (More about this from Timmy soon!)
